Hello everyone. I just realized my last post was from September. September feels so long ago, I have been going through my own version of hell. I wish I could go back to the first time I purged and stop myself. I hate myself so much.
I had marked my calender every time I purged, from the beginning:
1 purge
2 purges
3 purges
September
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30
October
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31
November
1 2 3 4 5 6
7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26
This last week I tried so hard to not purge during break but on Thanksgiving I did. Oh well, atleast I only had 2 purge days this week.
-Alaska
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The game plan.
So again I tried to purge this morning but couldn't get much of anything up. I think it is because I am relying on throwing up too much and doing it too much. So now I am restricting, restricting, and restricting. The only thing is is that this week is full of soccer games like every other day; Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and next Tuesday. I just want soccer season to be over already so I can just fast and not worry about anything.:( Oh well I will just have to stick it out until near the end of October.
-Alaska
-Alaska
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A short update.
So this week has been a so-so week.
I've binged and purged another 3 times; on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
On Monday I had to eat my birthday cake with family so then right after I threw it all up. It was a German chocolate cake, who knew chocolate could burn so much? The next days I bp'd on the same things, cake and spaghetti. Then on Friday I binged again but this time I could NOT get it up. Now today I'm just on a seemingly endless binge with no purge.:(
-Alaska
I've binged and purged another 3 times; on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
On Monday I had to eat my birthday cake with family so then right after I threw it all up. It was a German chocolate cake, who knew chocolate could burn so much? The next days I bp'd on the same things, cake and spaghetti. Then on Friday I binged again but this time I could NOT get it up. Now today I'm just on a seemingly endless binge with no purge.:(
-Alaska
Monday, September 13, 2010
I broke the ice with Mia.
It was yesterday when I finally brought myself to do it, I cried... WITH JOY. Now this wasn't just a little greeting it was 1 inch high in a trash can with a diameter of 7 inches. Hmm I just though of something, that was like the first time I used to word diameter not in a math class, how funny. Anyway yesterday morning I was planning on drinking like 2 gallons of water and took laxatives in the morning. Around 9 o'clock at night I gave into my desires and binged like no other. I went back to my room feeling like crap. Suddenly I thought just fucking throw it up for once Alaska.I couldn't though. I went to my bathroom and took strong toothpaste I recently had purchased and lightly coated my index and middle finger. Slid those bitches back and after many gags finally got a little up. After that I just kept doing it until I was just getting mostly mucus probably because I took to long to actually start the business. Yesterday night I was puking the most I'd ever puked while watching the VMAS, best night since school started. Do I plan to do it again? No, only if I have another binge epidemic. I'm not going to suddenly start eating shitloads each day and just puke it up, that would not be a wise choice. I'm going to still try to eat very little food (I'm thinking about under 200 or 400 calories) but if I binge I have the shoulder of Mia to cry on. Because the thing is I like throwing up... after a binge.
-Alaska
-Alaska
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Cycles control my whole life.
So I've had a revelation. Now this may just be post-binge talk but...
Cycles control my life. I have no clue on what I weigh now, last time I checked I was 125 but that was the 2nd week of school. The whole "healthy diet" thing only lasted for like a week and a half. Holy fuck, can I just not stick to anything? I was reading over this blog and I realized something,, I've been at this whole "losing weight" thing for about A YEAR now and I'm still at fucking square one. I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be thin, I NEED to be thin. I can't even go to school with my head up and talk "confidently" to people ( in quotations because I can't recall a time in my life when I was "confident" but it's hard to even pretend anymore). I am just over everything. No, no I'm sick of everything. Why is it that we must have a huge binge before we realize we are fat fucks? Damn I've even tried making myself throw up but once I felt it coming on I would back out.. I can't even stick to something I have total control over!
And these past few days I've also realized it's not just the mirror who is noticing me gain weight. I've been getting benched alot more at soccer and the biggest girls on the team are always on the bench. Even today at practice we had to do a shielding drill and were put with people around our same size. I was put with a girl who the soccer team always makes fun of about being chubby and not knowing it. I never got the memo that that's me.
-Alaska
Cycles control my life. I have no clue on what I weigh now, last time I checked I was 125 but that was the 2nd week of school. The whole "healthy diet" thing only lasted for like a week and a half. Holy fuck, can I just not stick to anything? I was reading over this blog and I realized something,, I've been at this whole "losing weight" thing for about A YEAR now and I'm still at fucking square one. I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be thin, I NEED to be thin. I can't even go to school with my head up and talk "confidently" to people ( in quotations because I can't recall a time in my life when I was "confident" but it's hard to even pretend anymore). I am just over everything. No, no I'm sick of everything. Why is it that we must have a huge binge before we realize we are fat fucks? Damn I've even tried making myself throw up but once I felt it coming on I would back out.. I can't even stick to something I have total control over!
And these past few days I've also realized it's not just the mirror who is noticing me gain weight. I've been getting benched alot more at soccer and the biggest girls on the team are always on the bench. Even today at practice we had to do a shielding drill and were put with people around our same size. I was put with a girl who the soccer team always makes fun of about being chubby and not knowing it. I never got the memo that that's me.
-Alaska
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wow.
Hey it's been a long time.. like a really long time. So I guess this is when I fill you in with my recent diet and shit like that. Well,, there really isn't much to say. In the beginning of July I went on this crazy quest to get under 120 pounds before I went on the cruise in mid July. I actually almost succeeded, I got down to 122 which was great considering I was inching closer and closer to 130 which is honestly a pretty huge fear of mine to hit. Anyway I went on the cruise and, wow. Well actually it's more of a "woah". Like after you get of a roller coaster you don't say "wow", you say "woah" thinking of what the hell just happened and did you just do that. Yeah that sums up the cruise pretty well, did I really do what I did? I guess I'm buttering it up to be a huge deal, but it sort of is for me, when I look back at that cruise I don't picture it through my eyes I see myself like I'm watching a movie. Looking back I don't regret anything though I mean I have had 2 "meaningful" relationships on a cruise before and they never go past the cruise no matter how much you both want it to. Sure it's not the best to make-out drunk with a 19 year old douche but hey atleast I don't get my hopes up about anything happening beyond the cruise. Yeah there's a lot of interesting stories that happened on that cruise but I'd rather not go into that right now.(: Awkward smileyface. Anyway after the cruise I weighed myself and I got down to 118. Yes I do not shit you, 118! But then I ate total shit after I got back, but I think I'm still in the lower 120's. I'm honestly pretty content with my weight right now, I think I'm just going to try to do a healthy diet. Which is pretty smart cause soccer season is here, our first game is in 2 weeks! I have barely gone to any of the summer practices and when I do I didn't try so it will be surprising if I make Varsity. I actually wanted to quit soccer this year but I still have to have another PE credit and my sister is still there and she is my ride like everywhere, she graduates this year though. I already decided I'm quitting after this year, I'm just over it. School starts this Tuesday I guess I'm excited for it to start again, I'm just not ready for it.
-Alaska
Monday, May 24, 2010
The starting summer starve.
So today was the first day of the diet and I'm already changing the game plan. Don't worry I'm still doing the liquid diet but I don't think that everyday I will be able to drink 3 cups of pure green tea so the only guideline for this diet is to drink at least a gallon of plain water per day. So besides water and my multi-vitamin, here are all the things that have entered my body today:
7:00- Weight Watchers Big Latte Bar (ice cream)- 90 calories
12:30- Crystal Light Rasberry Green Tea-10 calories
1:15- Liptons Green Tea ( from tea bags)- 0 calories
2:30- V-fusion Pomegranate Blueberry- 100 calories
8:30- V-8 (low sodium)- 70 calories
FOODS:(
5 macadamia nuts- about 100 calories
Random amount of crackers(back to nature white cheddar rice thin crackers)-200 calories
EXERCISE
Half-hour on weight machines(-200 calories?)
One hour on crossramp (-500 calories?)
Half-hour of Dance Dance Revolution (-150 calories?)
TOTAL
about -250 calories
Obviously the excersice calories will be a little bit off. And to explain the crackers; before we went to the gym we stopped at the store because she wanted some nuts so I grabbed some crackers to not look weird. The crackers actually don't seem that bad. The serving size is 18 crackers (130 calories)and there are 4 servings per box. I'm going to split up the rest of the box to snack on for the next few days. Oh and by the way since I have last talked to you guys I have gone to the gym pretty much every Monday through Thursday.
-Alaska
7:00- Weight Watchers Big Latte Bar (ice cream)- 90 calories
12:30- Crystal Light Rasberry Green Tea-10 calories
1:15- Liptons Green Tea ( from tea bags)- 0 calories
2:30- V-fusion Pomegranate Blueberry- 100 calories
8:30- V-8 (low sodium)- 70 calories
FOODS:(
5 macadamia nuts- about 100 calories
Random amount of crackers(back to nature white cheddar rice thin crackers)-200 calories
EXERCISE
Half-hour on weight machines(-200 calories?)
One hour on crossramp (-500 calories?)
Half-hour of Dance Dance Revolution (-150 calories?)
TOTAL
about -250 calories
Obviously the excersice calories will be a little bit off. And to explain the crackers; before we went to the gym we stopped at the store because she wanted some nuts so I grabbed some crackers to not look weird. The crackers actually don't seem that bad. The serving size is 18 crackers (130 calories)and there are 4 servings per box. I'm going to split up the rest of the box to snack on for the next few days. Oh and by the way since I have last talked to you guys I have gone to the gym pretty much every Monday through Thursday.
-Alaska
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Long time no type.
Wow it has been awhile since I have posted anything, but lucky for you, you haven't missed anything important. School is out for the summer now and there is a week until summer off season starts so I want to take advantage of this upcoming week as much as possible by doing something that is 10 times as hard to do while soccer starts; liquid diet. Starting tomorrow I will be drinking 1 gallon of water and 3 cups of green tea (along with my multi-vitamin). I plan to do this for at least 3 days, I would love it though if I 
lasted all week though.(:
Oh and this is sort of off topic but the only meat I eat now is fish. I haven't eaten mammals since the summer of 2007 ( about 3 years), and now I haven't eaten any bird in 2 months now. The longest I have ever gone without eating bird is like 4 months but now I am determined to not eat it for good. I hate when dumb people in my town say " Oh, so your a vegetarian?". No, I'm obviously not if I still eat some form of meat! In the long run I do want to evolve into a vegetarian, possibly even vegan, but I don't have the willpower to just stop eating all forms of animal over night. I honestly look up to vegans and vegetarians so much because they do hold that willpower.
So anyway I will write on this blog during this new diet I'm doing because in a way this blog keeps me focused on my goal. It feels like sometimes this is the only place I can come where I have never lost myself. Tomorrow morning maybe I will rake up the courage to weigh myself, I haven't stepped on the scale since after my big liquid diet during Christmas Break. My guess is is that I weigh near 125, but I guess we will hopefully see tomorrow.
-Alaska
lasted all week though.(:Oh and this is sort of off topic but the only meat I eat now is fish. I haven't eaten mammals since the summer of 2007 ( about 3 years), and now I haven't eaten any bird in 2 months now. The longest I have ever gone without eating bird is like 4 months but now I am determined to not eat it for good. I hate when dumb people in my town say " Oh, so your a vegetarian?". No, I'm obviously not if I still eat some form of meat! In the long run I do want to evolve into a vegetarian, possibly even vegan, but I don't have the willpower to just stop eating all forms of animal over night. I honestly look up to vegans and vegetarians so much because they do hold that willpower.
So anyway I will write on this blog during this new diet I'm doing because in a way this blog keeps me focused on my goal. It feels like sometimes this is the only place I can come where I have never lost myself. Tomorrow morning maybe I will rake up the courage to weigh myself, I haven't stepped on the scale since after my big liquid diet during Christmas Break. My guess is is that I weigh near 125, but I guess we will hopefully see tomorrow.
-Alaska
Monday, February 15, 2010
Fannie May=Big Fanny
Why is it that recently I become more depressed on holidays than on any other days in the whole year? Yes, I am single which is why I may have feel this way yesterday, but on any holiday I do feel this way.For example; Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years. These holidays have been pure shit the last time I experianced them. I have come to the conclusion that it must be that I miss the days. You know what I'm referring to, don't you? When you would just play with your dogs outside all day.When you would actually get bored on weekdays. When you would put your feet up against the television and watch Blues Clues. When you made out with that guy under the stars on a cruise during Spring Break.
Okay, maybe that one wasn't during the days but damn was that a good day.
Even though that wasn't even a year ago I am dreading Spring Break because of it. You see my Spring Break this year will be utter crap compared to last, therefore I now hate Spring Break. It's funny no actually ironic how your happiest events in your life can in the long run make you feel the saddest. This Spring Break will just be another reminder of how my life is in the shit hole.32 more days, then it becomes a reality.I know this because I have a countdown in my planner.
Oops here I go again just blabbing about things that have happened long ago.
Okay back to where I am presently.I have been on the 5 bit diet for the past week about. For those of you who are not familiar with the 5 bite diet it is a diet in which you eat 5 bites for lunch and 5 bites for dinner. Now I stick to this pretty well and then the joyous Valentines holiday arrived. I don't like to blame my binges on other things.... but right now I am so beware.
All these Valentines Day marathons and I didn't even get through the first episode of the marathon before I went running for these chocolate turtles(technically called pixies) by Fannie May my grandparents always get us and my mom for valentines day. Needless to say I have had the downhill affect once I picked up my first chocolate turtle. Damn you Fannie may for making the most delicious chocolate I've ever tasted. Anyway on Valentines day I tried to stay on track again but those damn marathons got to me again and I went dunning for my chocolate turtles. A few hundred calories later I got a text from this guy asking if I would go on a date with him later that night.
The reason I stuffed my face in chocolate was because I had no one to spend Valentines Day with, but then I when I received that offer of a date I had to decline because I was bloated as hell from all the crap food I just ate.
Oh irony.
-Alaska
Okay, maybe that one wasn't during the days but damn was that a good day.
Even though that wasn't even a year ago I am dreading Spring Break because of it. You see my Spring Break this year will be utter crap compared to last, therefore I now hate Spring Break. It's funny no actually ironic how your happiest events in your life can in the long run make you feel the saddest. This Spring Break will just be another reminder of how my life is in the shit hole.32 more days, then it becomes a reality.I know this because I have a countdown in my planner.
Oops here I go again just blabbing about things that have happened long ago.
Okay back to where I am presently.I have been on the 5 bit diet for the past week about. For those of you who are not familiar with the 5 bite diet it is a diet in which you eat 5 bites for lunch and 5 bites for dinner. Now I stick to this pretty well and then the joyous Valentines holiday arrived. I don't like to blame my binges on other things.... but right now I am so beware.
All these Valentines Day marathons and I didn't even get through the first episode of the marathon before I went running for these chocolate turtles(technically called pixies) by Fannie May my grandparents always get us and my mom for valentines day. Needless to say I have had the downhill affect once I picked up my first chocolate turtle. Damn you Fannie may for making the most delicious chocolate I've ever tasted. Anyway on Valentines day I tried to stay on track again but those damn marathons got to me again and I went dunning for my chocolate turtles. A few hundred calories later I got a text from this guy asking if I would go on a date with him later that night.
The reason I stuffed my face in chocolate was because I had no one to spend Valentines Day with, but then I when I received that offer of a date I had to decline because I was bloated as hell from all the crap food I just ate.
Oh irony.
-Alaska
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Aunt flow's visit.
It is officially Wednesday.
What's so grand about Wednesday?
It's hump day and it isn't a very special day.
When one thinks of "starting over" they usually say "I'll start on Monday, or on the weekend." What is the difference between those days that make it easier for one to start over, rather than grand Wednesday? On Wednesday one feels less obligated to start over, therefore making it easier.
I have to say my week hadn't been the greatest when it was officially Sunday.
I awoke to Aunt Flow.
Now here is my relationship with aunt flow; She visits me every 4 months when she usually visits everyone else every month. I have known Aunt Flow for 5 years now, yet she is still irregular with her visits. But when she arrives, she makes sure I know she's here!
The cramps have been unbearable.
To make it worse once I finally looked in the mirror that morning I had a cold sore. Cold sores aren't that bad but I hate when people just stare at your lip while your talking to them. Don't they know it's not polite to stare and judge people? Herpes simplex virus is present in 80% of the population. People can have it when they are a child, and just haven't broken out ever.
Just because I have a bump on my lip doesn't mean I was smacking a mack all damn weekend!
Anyway soccer has started again, again.This time though practices are only on Saturday and Sunday afternoons to help prep us for the upcoming soccer tournaments (about 5 tournaments in all). Our head coach cannot coach us because it would be against regulations if she did. Therefore the co-coach and I guess you could call the other one the co-co-coach will be coaching us. Neither one knows what they're are talking about but I could careless about what they have to say so I guess you can say it all works out.
I started going to the gym again on Monday finally(I hadn't gone since the week of finals) but didn't go "yesterday" due to obsessive homework, in fact that is why I am up right now trying to finish it. But my (procrastinating) conscious insisted for me to update my blog. So here I am finally, 2 weeks after school started, just staying true to my word like I always do.hehe
So the update on my diet is that I FAIL miserably. 2 or 3 days into school did it for me and I started eating normal. Well over 2 weeks later I am going to ride the roller coaster again. btw, my mom got a scale and I weighed myself, I weighed 119 pounds when I was still on that soup diet. Who knows how much I gained since I started eating normal.
-Alaska
What's so grand about Wednesday?
It's hump day and it isn't a very special day.
When one thinks of "starting over" they usually say "I'll start on Monday, or on the weekend." What is the difference between those days that make it easier for one to start over, rather than grand Wednesday? On Wednesday one feels less obligated to start over, therefore making it easier.
I have to say my week hadn't been the greatest when it was officially Sunday.
I awoke to Aunt Flow.
Now here is my relationship with aunt flow; She visits me every 4 months when she usually visits everyone else every month. I have known Aunt Flow for 5 years now, yet she is still irregular with her visits. But when she arrives, she makes sure I know she's here!
The cramps have been unbearable.
To make it worse once I finally looked in the mirror that morning I had a cold sore. Cold sores aren't that bad but I hate when people just stare at your lip while your talking to them. Don't they know it's not polite to stare and judge people? Herpes simplex virus is present in 80% of the population. People can have it when they are a child, and just haven't broken out ever.
Just because I have a bump on my lip doesn't mean I was smacking a mack all damn weekend!
Anyway soccer has started again, again.This time though practices are only on Saturday and Sunday afternoons to help prep us for the upcoming soccer tournaments (about 5 tournaments in all). Our head coach cannot coach us because it would be against regulations if she did. Therefore the co-coach and I guess you could call the other one the co-co-coach will be coaching us. Neither one knows what they're are talking about but I could careless about what they have to say so I guess you can say it all works out.
I started going to the gym again on Monday finally(I hadn't gone since the week of finals) but didn't go "yesterday" due to obsessive homework, in fact that is why I am up right now trying to finish it. But my (procrastinating) conscious insisted for me to update my blog. So here I am finally, 2 weeks after school started, just staying true to my word like I always do.hehe
So the update on my diet is that I FAIL miserably. 2 or 3 days into school did it for me and I started eating normal. Well over 2 weeks later I am going to ride the roller coaster again. btw, my mom got a scale and I weighed myself, I weighed 119 pounds when I was still on that soup diet. Who knows how much I gained since I started eating normal.
-Alaska
Friday, January 1, 2010
Recent diet.
I thought I should update you guys on what I've been eating lately.
For about a week now I have been only eating progresso light soups. Well actually the only ones I eat are the chicken noodle & the vegetable and noodle. They're both pretty much the same exact thing except the chicken of course. These soups are endorsed by weight watchers and get this the vegetable and noodle is only--- 0 points!(120 calories) && The chicken and noodle is only 1 point!(140 calories) As far as drinks go I have been drinking lots of water with the occasional green tea (0 calories!). Also I like to have a diet hot coco as a treat (20 calories!).
Now this is the weird part, I haven't noticed any substantial weight loss. But I mean I have to be losing something since I am eating really low calories (usually I only eat two soups a day), and I always feel full. I think maybe it's because I'm always bloated. But it's nice knowing that under all of this bloated blob, I am becoming thin.
I think I will update daily when school gets back in session on Monday.
No promises though!
-Alaska
For about a week now I have been only eating progresso light soups. Well actually the only ones I eat are the chicken noodle & the vegetable and noodle. They're both pretty much the same exact thing except the chicken of course. These soups are endorsed by weight watchers and get this the vegetable and noodle is only--- 0 points!(120 calories) && The chicken and noodle is only 1 point!(140 calories) As far as drinks go I have been drinking lots of water with the occasional green tea (0 calories!). Also I like to have a diet hot coco as a treat (20 calories!).
Now this is the weird part, I haven't noticed any substantial weight loss. But I mean I have to be losing something since I am eating really low calories (usually I only eat two soups a day), and I always feel full. I think maybe it's because I'm always bloated. But it's nice knowing that under all of this bloated blob, I am becoming thin.
I think I will update daily when school gets back in session on Monday.
No promises though!
-Alaska
Happy new year!
Sorry I didn't stick to my word, but I guess you should sorta expect that by now.
From now on I will stop promising blogs unless they are already written.
Anyway it's officially twenty-ten!
As you can see I have made some resolutions (via 43things.com, click on picture to see it larger).
I will try my best to keep up with number twenty nine for you guys!
Seriously I haven't updated you with really anything lately. To start off I found out Luke is just weird so I try not to talk to him.haha
&& well me and Josh have been talking since that football game but I never went up with my friend to see him. Ultimately this lead to us just telling each other that nothing could ever work between us because of the distance and trust issues. But we are still friends. Oh well, another one bites the dust.
I'm just gonna put that all behind me now.
New year.
New beginnings.
New endings.
New scandals.
-Alaska
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