Fuck it.

I've been on a continually downward spiral these past few days.
I'm so ashamed I can't even speak of it.
I'm still an ugly fat fuck, and guess what I found out today?
I can go down with my friend to see her boyfriend and Josh next weekend.
If I'm not as much of an embarrassment then I'll oblige.
But if not I'll say I'm at my dads house (I'm home bound for life there, long story...).
To make matters worse Thanksgiving and the holidays are coming up... Fucking fantastic.
It's not like I need motivation, I get plenty of that from my friends and my mom.
Just yesterday I skipped out on the gym because I planned to go to the New Moon premiere with some friends(GAY!).
She replies"Do you just want to become a fatass?"...."Oh wait too late for that."
It seems like no matter what I'm as fucked as a shit house rat.

-Alaska

Two days after.

Monday
2 Glasses of water
1 glass of pina colada juice
1 glass of tomato juice
1 can of matzo ball soup (160 calories)
1 brownie (150- 200 calories)
4 pieces of gum (20 calories)
Gym-3 miles

I hate my life.
Our school sells brownies and today my friend really wanted to split some of hers with me.
Since I usually always take it she would of been questioning if I didn't take it. I didn't eat all of it but who the fuck knows how many calories are packed into those things.

During 6th period soccer class I felt so dizzy. I need to start increasing my water intake for sure. After I came home from soccer class I had matzo ball soup. SO AMAZING. I used to not like it at all but I guess anything now will taste like heaven. I think I might have one bowl of soup everyday, but I don't know yet.

Today everyone kept on saying I looked so different and pretty? I haven't done anything different, I'm still an ugly fatass bitch?? So what the hell.


Everyday I succeed, I get one step closer to my goal.
To bad I'm going nowhere fast.

-Alaska

One day after.

Sunday
2 glasses of warm lemon/salt water
1 glass of water
1 glass of cranberry juice
2 pieces of gum (20 calories)

I did extremely good this day.
I wish I could do this everyday.:)

-Alaska

Binges & beginnings.

Since my last post I have just been on an ongoing binge.
If I give myself just a little bit of wiggle room I take more.
It's like if I eat 1 mini bagel, I suddenly need the whole package.
The only good thing I have done in these past few days is still go to the gym.
I need a plan, I need structure.
This is why today I decided to start a 4 day liquid/gum diet.
I don't know how I'll do, it's a little test I guess you could say.
I'm going to start keeping a food journal and at the end of each day I will post what I ate.
This will also help keep me more controlled because I don't like admitting my wrongs.

I want to be beautiful.
I want to be loved.
I want to be thin.

-Alaska

More is less.

Yesterday, Saturday, I guess I went on a "date".
I say "date" because I had no acknowledgment of it ever being a date.
Here's the thing, I ran into this other guy I had met from the corn maze Friday at a fast food place, after the football game. Just so you don't confuse this guy from my friends boyfriend's friend(the guy I had just met at the game), we'll call this guy "Luke", and my friends boyfriends friend "Josh". Well anyway Luke and I exchanged cell phone numbers, and he invited me the next day to a volleyball game between our schools (He goes to our schools rival school). I said no because I was honestly already meeting up with some friends at the movies. He asks if he can tag along and I say sure. We watched The Fourth Kind and at about 10 minutes into the movie he starts holding my hand. Because I was scared? I beg to differ. So after he holds my hand for about 15 minutes he puts his arm around me and makes me lean against his chest. We were like that the whole movie.

Now let me just clear some stuff up, Luke isn't ugly but I definitely don't like him. He's just kinda awkward and boring. But Josh on the other hand is my ideal guy. Through the whole movie I kept on thinking how I wish I could still be texting Josh(We were texting the whole day, but because of "Mr. Smooth" I couldn't because I don't want to be rude.). My friend was at the movies too and I hope she doesn't tell her boyfriend that I like Luke instead of his friend Josh.

Reading this may give you guys the wrong impression of me. First of all I definitely don't date alot. I've had one boyfriend and it was only for like two weeks, that was in August last year. Then prior to that I had gone on a 2 week cruise that summer and had a... I guess you would call it a vacation fling? Then that following Spring Break we went on another cruise for only a week and I met another guy, another vacation fling. I never kissed my boyfriend I had, I kissed the boy on the summer cruise, and I made out with the guy from the Spring Break cruise. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much guy action in a long time. Now I've got two guys. All I have to say is be careful in what you wish for, because you might just get it.

My diet yesterday only consisted of a small slice of cake. This is only because my brother came back from radiation for his cancer. He had been gone for a whole month, so of course we made a cake and ate it at the table. I don't want anyone getting suspicious.

-Alaska

Life's looking up.

I have alot of news to tell you.
First of all I got a membership to a new gym on Wednesday, and plan on going there every Monday through Thursday, because they're open 24/7 on those days.
I may go on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays but that probably won't happen because they close at like 10 on those days.

So for the past few days I've been just drinking fluids and just having one bowl of spinach lentil soup.
And today I just had a coke icee from Burger King,only 140 calories.
Also today I met one of my friends boyfriends friend at a football game.
We flirted all night.
He doesn't live in town though, but he lives only like an hour away.
I guess we will just let it plan out.

-Alaska

Eat, drink and be scary.

We of course lost our home state playoff game.
But the score was only 3-0, which I consider a victory because they were ranked number 5 in the state and we are ranked only number 12.
On the other hand though I'm pretty glad it's all over.
Now I can focus on more important things.

So as you know yesterday was Halloween.
Me and some close friends watched all the saw movies Friday and Saturday morning.
Then we watched saw 6 at the movies at about 5 on Halloween.
Then we went trick or treating to other friends houses, went to the haunted house, and the corn maze.
The corn maze was by far the best part.
There was alot of people there from little towns that are about 20 miles from my town.
One of these people were supposed to be a scarer but instead he sort of walked with me through the maze.;)
Overall I had a fantastic Halloween.

I look forward to finally restricting calories.
I'm starting right away, as in tomorrow.haha:)

-Alaska