The game plan.

So again I tried to purge this morning but couldn't get much of anything up. I think it is because I am relying on throwing up too much and doing it too much. So now I am restricting, restricting, and restricting. The only thing is is that this week is full of soccer games like every other day; Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and next Tuesday. I just want soccer season to be over already so I can just fast and not worry about anything.:( Oh well I will just have to stick it out until near the end of October.
-Alaska

A short update.

So this week has been a so-so week.
I've binged and purged another 3 times; on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
On Monday I had to eat my birthday cake with family so then right after I threw it all up. It was a German chocolate cake, who knew chocolate could burn so much? The next days I bp'd on the same things, cake and spaghetti. Then on Friday I binged again but this time I could NOT get it up. Now today I'm just on a seemingly endless binge with no purge.:(
-Alaska

I broke the ice with Mia.

It was yesterday when I finally brought myself to do it, I cried... WITH JOY. Now this wasn't just a little greeting it was 1 inch high in a trash can with a diameter of 7 inches. Hmm I just though of something, that was like the first time I used to word diameter not in a math class, how funny. Anyway yesterday morning I was planning on drinking like 2 gallons of water and took laxatives in the morning. Around 9 o'clock at night I gave into my desires and binged like no other. I went back to my room feeling like crap. Suddenly I thought just fucking throw it up for once Alaska.I couldn't though. I went to my bathroom and took strong toothpaste I recently had purchased and lightly coated my index and middle finger. Slid those bitches back and after many gags finally got a little up. After that I just kept doing it until I was just getting mostly mucus probably because I took to long to actually start the business. Yesterday night I was puking the most I'd ever puked while watching the VMAS, best night since school started. Do I plan to do it again? No, only if I have another binge epidemic. I'm not going to suddenly start eating shitloads each day and just puke it up, that would not be a wise choice. I'm going to still try to eat very little food (I'm thinking about under 200 or 400 calories) but if I binge I have the shoulder of Mia to cry on. Because the thing is I like throwing up... after a binge.
-Alaska

Cycles control my whole life.

So I've had a revelation. Now this may just be post-binge talk but...
Cycles control my life. I have no clue on what I weigh now, last time I checked I was 125 but that was the 2nd week of school. The whole "healthy diet" thing only lasted for like a week and a half. Holy fuck, can I just not stick to anything? I was reading over this blog and I realized something,, I've been at this whole "losing weight" thing for about A YEAR now and I'm still at fucking square one. I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be thin, I NEED to be thin. I can't even go to school with my head up and talk "confidently" to people ( in quotations because I can't recall a time in my life when I was "confident" but it's hard to even pretend anymore). I am just over everything. No, no I'm sick of everything. Why is it that we must have a huge binge before we realize we are fat fucks? Damn I've even tried making myself throw up but once I felt it coming on I would back out.. I can't even stick to something I have total control over!
And these past few days I've also realized it's not just the mirror who is noticing me gain weight. I've been getting benched alot more at soccer and the biggest girls on the team are always on the bench. Even today at practice we had to do a shielding drill and were put with people around our same size. I was put with a girl who the soccer team always makes fun of about being chubby and not knowing it. I never got the memo that that's me.

-Alaska