Things have changed... a lot.

So I'm sorry I haven't wrote on here in a long time. Honestly, I feel like a totally different person then the last time I wrote on here. Last time I wrote I still had somewhat control over my bping but I don't AT ALL anymore. I haven't had a day that I haven't at least bp'd once in the past 2 months. If anyone thinks bulimia will solve their problems, HUG THE ONES WHO LOVE YOU BEFORE YOU LOSE THEM FOREVER TO BULIMIA. I haven't gone out on the weekends at all in months, I will talk to my friends at school pretending I'm happy and they soak it up. I've lost about 20 pounds in 1 1/2 months, I weigh 109 pounds now and all anybody has to say about it is "You look good!" or they don't even notice, which makes me want to lose even more. I'm still debating if this is a good or bad thing that people around me are so stupid and unobservant, or maybe I'm just looking at it all wrong, maybe they do know what's going on but they just don't care. Oh well, either way no one knows and that's the only important thing cause I can still purge. I'm out of control, but I'm still in control.
-Alaska

P.S.- I also went vegan like a month ago, except I have occasionally b/p'd on non-vegan things. Yay for being hypocritical.

Wow, it's been awhile.

Hello everyone. I just realized my last post was from September. September feels so long ago, I have been going through my own version of hell. I wish I could go back to the first time I purged and stop myself. I hate myself so much.
I had marked my calender every time I purged, from the beginning:
1 purge
2 purges
3 purges
September
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30
October
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31
November
1 2 3 4 5 6
7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26

This last week I tried so hard to not purge during break but on Thanksgiving I did. Oh well, atleast I only had 2 purge days this week.

-Alaska

The game plan.

So again I tried to purge this morning but couldn't get much of anything up. I think it is because I am relying on throwing up too much and doing it too much. So now I am restricting, restricting, and restricting. The only thing is is that this week is full of soccer games like every other day; Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and next Tuesday. I just want soccer season to be over already so I can just fast and not worry about anything.:( Oh well I will just have to stick it out until near the end of October.
-Alaska

A short update.

So this week has been a so-so week.
I've binged and purged another 3 times; on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
On Monday I had to eat my birthday cake with family so then right after I threw it all up. It was a German chocolate cake, who knew chocolate could burn so much? The next days I bp'd on the same things, cake and spaghetti. Then on Friday I binged again but this time I could NOT get it up. Now today I'm just on a seemingly endless binge with no purge.:(
-Alaska

I broke the ice with Mia.

It was yesterday when I finally brought myself to do it, I cried... WITH JOY. Now this wasn't just a little greeting it was 1 inch high in a trash can with a diameter of 7 inches. Hmm I just though of something, that was like the first time I used to word diameter not in a math class, how funny. Anyway yesterday morning I was planning on drinking like 2 gallons of water and took laxatives in the morning. Around 9 o'clock at night I gave into my desires and binged like no other. I went back to my room feeling like crap. Suddenly I thought just fucking throw it up for once Alaska.I couldn't though. I went to my bathroom and took strong toothpaste I recently had purchased and lightly coated my index and middle finger. Slid those bitches back and after many gags finally got a little up. After that I just kept doing it until I was just getting mostly mucus probably because I took to long to actually start the business. Yesterday night I was puking the most I'd ever puked while watching the VMAS, best night since school started. Do I plan to do it again? No, only if I have another binge epidemic. I'm not going to suddenly start eating shitloads each day and just puke it up, that would not be a wise choice. I'm going to still try to eat very little food (I'm thinking about under 200 or 400 calories) but if I binge I have the shoulder of Mia to cry on. Because the thing is I like throwing up... after a binge.
-Alaska

Cycles control my whole life.

So I've had a revelation. Now this may just be post-binge talk but...
Cycles control my life. I have no clue on what I weigh now, last time I checked I was 125 but that was the 2nd week of school. The whole "healthy diet" thing only lasted for like a week and a half. Holy fuck, can I just not stick to anything? I was reading over this blog and I realized something,, I've been at this whole "losing weight" thing for about A YEAR now and I'm still at fucking square one. I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be thin, I NEED to be thin. I can't even go to school with my head up and talk "confidently" to people ( in quotations because I can't recall a time in my life when I was "confident" but it's hard to even pretend anymore). I am just over everything. No, no I'm sick of everything. Why is it that we must have a huge binge before we realize we are fat fucks? Damn I've even tried making myself throw up but once I felt it coming on I would back out.. I can't even stick to something I have total control over!
And these past few days I've also realized it's not just the mirror who is noticing me gain weight. I've been getting benched alot more at soccer and the biggest girls on the team are always on the bench. Even today at practice we had to do a shielding drill and were put with people around our same size. I was put with a girl who the soccer team always makes fun of about being chubby and not knowing it. I never got the memo that that's me.

-Alaska

Wow.

Hey it's been a long time.. like a really long time. So I guess this is when I fill you in with my recent diet and shit like that. Well,, there really isn't much to say. In the beginning of July I went on this crazy quest to get under 120 pounds before I went on the cruise in mid July. I actually almost succeeded, I got down to 122 which was great considering I was inching closer and closer to 130 which is honestly a pretty huge fear of mine to hit. Anyway I went on the cruise and, wow. Well actually it's more of a "woah". Like after you get of a roller coaster you don't say "wow", you say "woah" thinking of what the hell just happened and did you just do that. Yeah that sums up the cruise pretty well, did I really do what I did? I guess I'm buttering it up to be a huge deal, but it sort of is for me, when I look back at that cruise I don't picture it through my eyes I see myself like I'm watching a movie. Looking back I don't regret anything though I mean I have had 2 "meaningful" relationships on a cruise before and they never go past the cruise no matter how much you both want it to. Sure it's not the best to make-out drunk with a 19 year old douche but hey atleast I don't get my hopes up about anything happening beyond the cruise. Yeah there's a lot of interesting stories that happened on that cruise but I'd rather not go into that right now.(: Awkward smileyface. Anyway after the cruise I weighed myself and I got down to 118. Yes I do not shit you, 118! But then I ate total shit after I got back, but I think I'm still in the lower 120's. I'm honestly pretty content with my weight right now, I think I'm just going to try to do a healthy diet. Which is pretty smart cause soccer season is here, our first game is in 2 weeks! I have barely gone to any of the summer practices and when I do I didn't try so it will be surprising if I make Varsity. I actually wanted to quit soccer this year but I still have to have another PE credit and my sister is still there and she is my ride like everywhere, she graduates this year though. I already decided I'm quitting after this year, I'm just over it. School starts this Tuesday I guess I'm excited for it to start again, I'm just not ready for it.

-Alaska